the deliberate life

Prioritizing my Life

(I just love this saying too much not to share)

Whenever I have let a significant amount of time lapse between blog posts, I always feel the need to explain myself. It's so much easier to make excuses rather than just admit the truth. The truth is, I'm not wonderful at making myself a priority. I've started to notice that when I do make time for the things I want to do (writing blog posts, crafting, painting, etc.) I feel guilty. It's something I'm sure a lot of women struggle with, and though I don't have a husband or children, I do have a boyfriend and pets that I like to take care of and shower with love and affection.

What I need to realize (and you do too, if you're struggling with this) is that I'm such a better version of myself when I choose to make time for myself. I'm happier, and I feel much more at peace when I make myself a priority. This doesn't mean that I have to ignore the boyfriend or the fur babies, because truthfully, sometimes all I really want (and need) is to snuggle on the couch with all of them. It just means that it's also OK for me to go to the other room to work on a blog post, or to start a new painting.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this and if it's something you struggle with as well.

Wordless Wednesday-Scenes from the Weekend

On Love

Us at my Nerdy 30 birthday party last year.

Growing up, I think we all form this idea of what love looks like. We think it’s magical moments full of candy and flowers, and over-the-top romantic gestures. Kevin and I have been together for over 6½ years, and our relationship looks nothing like this, and that’s a good thing. It's the inside jokes, shared passions, endless support, and tiny acts of love that make our relationship what it is.

We'll celebrate tonight with a simple dinner cooked at home and an exchange or cards. It's what we've done for every Valentine's Day so far, and I hope it's all we continue to do in the future.

Happy Valentine's Day, my love!

 

Thoughts On Happiness

A few days ago while I was catching up on my Simple Abundance reading, I read something that really stayed with me: “Perhaps if one really knew when one was happy one would know the things that were necessary for one’s life.” (Spoken by Joanna Field) It’s days later, and I can’t stop thinking about this.

            You see, Joanna, way back in the 1940s, began questioning if she was living her authentic life. She was worried that she didn’t know what truly made her happy, so she began keeping a journal of what triggered feelings of delight in her daily life. She talks about digging through “the minutiae of the mundane” to find what was missing.

            I’m a firm believer that the right books (or the right words) find you at the right time. Lately, I’ve been thinking about what makes me happy. My thought is that in order to be happy, you need to be able to recognize what it is that makes you feel that way. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy, but I think we can all stand to be even happier than we already are.) So, that’s what I’ve been up to lately: taking note (literally) of what brings me joy. I’ve been really sinking back into myself to connect with my happiness.

            Sometimes, I think the moments that bring us the most joy are so small and fleeting that we don’t always recognize them when they happen. I’ve been trying to slow down a bit as well as pay more attention so that I can recognize those bits of magic that appear in my days. That giant stretch I do when I first get out of bed. That first sip of coffee. The sunlight just beginning to peek through the windows. Seeing our house lit up as I pull into the driveway. The weird leap Hamburgers does whenever we let him outside. What I’m finding as I pause and appreciate these moments is that they’re not so fleeting anymore. The joy I feel seems to last a bit longer.

These little moments are tiny, so seemingly insignificant to everyone else, but they make up who we are. I think that’s what I’m finding so fascinating about happiness ¾ we may share some things that are the source of our happiness, but we also have things that are unique to us. And as cheesy as it sounds, I think that’s what makes the world such a magical place.

This is the Story of a Car

 

This weekend my mom got her first car at the young age of 57. It was a gift to her from my dad. A testament of his love.

My parents are not flashy people. They’re far from it, actually. They live in a humble little house in a humble little city. They don’t go out to dinner, and they’ve been wearing the same clothes for ages. My dad drives a trusty (and maybe a bit rusty) old SUV to work each day while my mom stays home and tends to the house.

Did I mention that they’re still madly in love? As in, my dad has written a love note to my mom each day of their 36-year marriage. As in, my mom still holds on to every single word he says.

Back to the car, though.

While we were growing up, my dad got it in his mind that he had to buy each of his children --- my sister, brother and me --- a new car for high school graduation. We needed something nice and reliable as we embarked on the next leg of our journey: college. It was just like my dad to insist on this. He always wanted us to have the nicest of things and made sure that we did. Did I mention that he worked two jobs my entire childhood so that he could afford to do this?

To make sure they were able to afford to buy us new cars, my dad drove the same van for nearly 15 years. When the van fell apart, he bought an old SUV. My mom was able to drive it when she needed it, but it was my dad's car, and she was OK with that. She would occasionally borrow our cars when we were home, which wasn’t often. Still, she was OK with all of it.

This isn’t a story about cars. No, it’s far more than that. It’s the story of a woman, who was selfless enough to go without so that her children wouldn’t have to. It’s the story of a man that is always looking for a way to show his wife that he loves her. It’s the story of selflessness. It’s the story of patience. It's the story of good people getting what they deserve.

This is why, when my mom called on Sunday to tell me she finally had a car of her own, I cried.

 

(For some reason, this was perhaps one of the most emotional things I've ever written. I realize it's unlike anything else I've ever shared, but it was a story I had to tell.)

On a Big Birthday

Source

And just like that, I’m 30.

It’s funny. There was something in me that thought perhaps I’d feel differently when the calendar turned to November 27th. The anticipation I was feeling reminded me a lot of that jump from 12 to 13. Back then, I didn’t awake to find myself feeling like a real-deal teenager, and this year I didn’t wake up feeling how I had hoped: grown up, or at least slightly more so. Instead, I felt no different than I did when I went to sleep.

30. It seems like such an important age. I spent weeks counting down to it and planning my goals for the coming year. So many expectations were placed on this single age. “This is my year!” I repeatedly told myself. “Thirty’s going to be my greatest age yet!” I started writing my life list, started making plans. And now here I am, just two days after my birthday, and I’m feeling let down. Thirty isn’t great yet! It’s just like any other age, just with more gray hair. Clearly I could have made an effort to cross a few things off my life list during the two hours of free time I've had.

I’m ridiculous. I know.

One of my worst habits is not giving myself enough credit for pretty much anything I do. But it’s time for me to honestly tell myself, “You’ve come a long way, kid.” Despite the things I’ve done that I’m not proud of, I’ve allowed myself to grow exponentially and have hopefully given myself the humility to know that there is still a lot of growing to do. The person I am today is a long way from who I used to be, but it's still far from who I’d like to become.

One of the biggest things I need to teach myself in the coming years, life list or not, is acceptance … acceptance for life as it is, for people as they are, and for who I am.

(Stay tuned for a post dedicated to my Nerdy Thirty party, including pictures of the outfits, the decorations, and the awesome invites!)

A Small Life

(Scenes from around the house this weekend. And yes, those ARE homemade biscuits.)

By choice, life is slow going these days, and I couldn’t be happier about that. I mentioned before that I feel like our new house has sparked some changes in me, and I really think it’s true. Not being tied to a TV has left me with extra hours in the day, and I’ve spent the extra time reading, crafting, and thinking.

    There’s one thing I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and that’s my upcoming 30^th birthday. It’s not an age I’m dreading, despite my recent outbursts about gray hairs that seem to have popped up overnight. I’m actually looking forward to it, as I am finally beginning to feel like I have a good grasp of who I am and how I want to live my life.

    I’ve been using this milestone birthday as a way to check in with myself about life so far. This hasn’t been an easy process. It’s involved learning truths about myself that I’m not particularly proud of and trying to change those. Despite the downs, this journey has led to a few ups as well — most importantly, realizing and accepting what I want my life to be.

    I want a small life filled with great love. Ordinary days sprinkled with bits of magic throughout — that’s what I want. Even as a child, my heart was tied to my home. Now that I have a home of my own, nothing is bringing me more joy than pouring my heart into it. Crafting décor items, creating all of our food from scratch, painting small wood panels, stealing moments away to write in my journal while the house is still quiet … that’s where I’m at these days. I’ve always felt guilty for wanting such simple things out of life, but after a long talk with my dear friend Kerri, it’s a truth I’m proud to accept.

            There are times where my mind jumps to the future … visions of us living on a nice chunk of land in a small town, with me penning some truly inspiring books and Kevin working at a larger craft brewery. For now though, I’m appreciating the moment I’m in, thankful that I get to work with so many artists who feel the same way I do. Thankful that I get to help others on their own personal paths in life. Thankful for the kindred spirits who email me quick bread recipes they may have found, or instructions on making household cleaners. Thankful for those that “get me,” which maybe makes up for those who might not.  

Recently

(The view from our backyard. Pinch me.)

I can’t believe how much has happened since my post, “On Goals & Dreams.” (From two months ago! For shame!) Shortly after that post, where I shared our big dream of having our own house, a unit in another triplex owned by our landlord became available to rent. This was the unit that I had said if it ever became available that I wouldn’t hesitate to move.

            As luck would have it, the unit was available the same day our current lease was up. We went to look at it and weren’t completely sure what we wanted to do. Our current place, though one-bedroom and yard-less, was completely upgraded inside — hardwood floors, granite countertops, stainless steel appliances … the works. This other place, though larger and with a second bedroom, was definitely older inside, with carpet, dated floors and countertops in the kitchen, and a freakishly low showerhead in the bathroom. I remember when we first walked through the place, my heart dropped a little. Surely I couldn’t leave all of my modern amenities and move here. Then we walked outside to a private yard — a huge one with gorgeous grass and an orange tree. We took a few steps into the garage and became oddly excited about the washer and dryer in there. You mean we could finally do laundry without having to head over to Kevin’s parents’ house or making sure we had enough quarters? It took us all of two minutes to make the decision to move.

            We’ve been in our new place for just over a month now, and I can’t tell you how much it’s already changed the way we live. We’re spending our days outdoors instead of inside. We’re working on little house projects instead of watching TV. We’re getting to play fetch with our wee little dog, who just may love the new house even more than we do.

            The first night we spent there, we both instantly felt at home already. We knew it was the right decision to make. It’s not a house of our own, which we still want, but it’s enough for now.

 

On a side note, with that second bedroom comes my very own craft space. I've actually been cranking projects out, so expect to be seeing those very soon!)

 

On goals & dreams ...

I've been doing a lot of stitching lately, both literally and figuratively. With my 30th birthday in a few months, I've felt the need to get a better grip on my life and where it's heading. Stitching new ideas into place, then ripping them out if they don't seem right. That's something I love about stitching - the ability to fix things that aren't right (like those sad French knots) by ripping the stitches out and starting over again.

    Kevin and I have been talking a lot about our goals and dreams for the future. The more we talked and tossed around ideas, the less far off they started to seem. Our biggest dream? To buy a house. Living in a paycheck-to-paycheck world, the idea of being able to do so seemed just about impossible. We knew we would have to make some fairly large sacrifices, we just weren't sure what they would be. On a whim, he tossed out the idea of going down to one car. He offerred to sell his car and get a scooter for his daily commute. While watching TV one day, he had another idea: get rid of cable. We could watch what we wanted to online or through Netflix. Two ideas tossed out, they both seemed right, and so they stay. No need to rip.

    As of today, Kevin's car will be sold and he will be the owner of a cute little scooter. It doesn't seem like much, but for the two of us, it means we're that much closwer to a dream becoming a reality.

    Another goal of mine has been to re-launch my blog. A new domain. A little something that's more "me." It's something that's taken more time than I had hoped for, but a lot of life has been happening behind the scenes. Here's a little peek at the banner I've cooked up for it (though the colors are wonky and not web-safe):

Little by little. Step by step. We'll get where we need to be.

 

On Where I Am

Time feels like it's flying by so quickly. Busy work days spill over into busy work nights. It's left me doing a lot of sitting quietly and trying to get it to slow down just a tad. That means spending just about any minute I can completely unplugged. Busy as ever, but happier than ever. I'll take it.

I thought I'd give everyone a little look into something I've been working on - something giving me so much joy right now.

Do you have The Artist Unique by Carmen Torbus yet? If not, you really should pick it up. I was fortunate to be asked by Carmen to be a part of a fun little project involving the book. The premise? A few artists Christine Mason Miller , Mary Anne Radmacher , Liz Kalloch, and myself would pick one of the great techniques in The Artist Unique and create something using it. The catch? It was to be given to someone as a gift. We also were to ask Carmen a series of questions and share her insights on our blog. Wait 'til you see what we talked about it. It was great!

I haven't finished my gift yet, but I did spend the evening writing a review for The Artist Unique for the September/October issue of Somerset Studio. I thought I'd share a bit of it here:

The first time I ever worked with Carmen Torbus was on an article for Artful Blogging. Right away, I knew she was something special. Her enthusiasm for her own art, and for others’ art was refreshing. A little over a year after that initial contact I was lucky enough to meet her at The Creative Connection Event in Minneapolis. Again, I was impressed and inspired by her spirit. Being around her made me instantly feel supported and encouraged.

            Words cannot adequately describe how excited I was for The Artist Unique to come out. I had known for some time she was working on it, and I knew it was bound to be a hit. And a hit it is.

I'm hoping to get the project done within the next few days so I can share it with you. I'll give you a hint: it involves something i'm terrified of working with. Polymer clay!

Oh, and I forgot to add another reason I'm such a fan of Carmen's ... we're birthday twins! :)