the deliberate life

Thoughts On Happiness

A few days ago while I was catching up on my Simple Abundance reading, I read something that really stayed with me: “Perhaps if one really knew when one was happy one would know the things that were necessary for one’s life.” (Spoken by Joanna Field) It’s days later, and I can’t stop thinking about this.

            You see, Joanna, way back in the 1940s, began questioning if she was living her authentic life. She was worried that she didn’t know what truly made her happy, so she began keeping a journal of what triggered feelings of delight in her daily life. She talks about digging through “the minutiae of the mundane” to find what was missing.

            I’m a firm believer that the right books (or the right words) find you at the right time. Lately, I’ve been thinking about what makes me happy. My thought is that in order to be happy, you need to be able to recognize what it is that makes you feel that way. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy, but I think we can all stand to be even happier than we already are.) So, that’s what I’ve been up to lately: taking note (literally) of what brings me joy. I’ve been really sinking back into myself to connect with my happiness.

            Sometimes, I think the moments that bring us the most joy are so small and fleeting that we don’t always recognize them when they happen. I’ve been trying to slow down a bit as well as pay more attention so that I can recognize those bits of magic that appear in my days. That giant stretch I do when I first get out of bed. That first sip of coffee. The sunlight just beginning to peek through the windows. Seeing our house lit up as I pull into the driveway. The weird leap Hamburgers does whenever we let him outside. What I’m finding as I pause and appreciate these moments is that they’re not so fleeting anymore. The joy I feel seems to last a bit longer.

These little moments are tiny, so seemingly insignificant to everyone else, but they make up who we are. I think that’s what I’m finding so fascinating about happiness ¾ we may share some things that are the source of our happiness, but we also have things that are unique to us. And as cheesy as it sounds, I think that’s what makes the world such a magical place.

On Trusting the Mess

I’m a firm believer that the Universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it most. As I drove to Christine’s studio for Sabrina Ward Harrison’s Trust the Mess workshop I was experiencing a lot of unrest. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was, but I knew I hadn’t been feeling like myself in quite some time. Things were just off.

            As I sat on the floor, journal in hand, free-writing to the prompts given to us by Sabrina I lost it. The tears flowed. Emotions that I didn’t even know I had been feeling came out on the page. I turned to the girl next to me and read it all out loud, unable to hold the tears back once again. She reached over and gave me a huge hug and in that moment went from being a stranger to a friend.

            It is really hard to describe all that went on this weekend to those who didn’t attend. Sabrina touched us deeply through heartfelt writing prompts and poetry. We painted on giant sheets of paper using just our hands. We sanded. We gessoed. We cried. We laughed. We formed a tribe. I know my words will never give it justice.

            What I can say is that I’ll forever be thankful for Christine, who made it all happen, and for Sabrina who gave so much of herself so that we could in turn, give ourselves. I’ll always treasure each and every woman who was there. To listen without judgment is one of the greatest gifts you can give someone, and every one of these special women did this, and I thank them for that.

 

And most importantly, I know what I first perceived as a breakdown, was really a breakthrough.

Putting Myself on Display

Painting is a very personal process for me. Each aspect says something about who I was at the moment the painting was created. The colors, the textures, the found papers ... they all say something, and because of that I haven't shown many people my paintings.

    When I paint, I tend to do a lot of layering with dark paint colors and thick paper. Elements that I really like are usually exposed long enough for me to enjoy them before I quickly cover them up with a wash of acrylics. What does that say about me? Needless to say, I've always painted alone.

   

My most recent painting, shown here, was done surrounded by a wonderful group of inspiring women. It was really my first time creating in a group. I felt comfortable, inspired, and most of all, I felt free to express this side of me, and I think the tone of this painting says a lot. Despite a wash of white acrylics, every layer is visible, and the colors are noticeably lighter. I'm no longer afraid to show this side of me. This is me, on display, for all to see.